Newbie

testimony

2011-12-23T23:15:00.004-05:00

We did a thing at church a while back with poster boards-called Cardboard Testimony. It was a chance to say our testimony without having to actually speak. I am not a person who likes to speak in front of a crowd, I’m actually pretty content to sit in the corner and watch others interact. Call it anti-social, call it shy, or call it Asperberger's...but whatever you want to call it, it's me :) anyway, I participated in the 2nd one that our church did. I can't remember exactly what my board said, but it was something like this:

(On the front)
Divorced, single mom
Felt lost and alone
2007-my dad died, 4 surgeries
Felt like an orphan
No hope

(On the back)
July 2007-the Harley ride that changed my life
Dec 2007-Saved by Grace, started coming to church
Child of God
Felt like part of a family

That’s the best that I can remember. But I think the point is pretty clear. On the front you put where you were in life before God, and then on the back you put how your life has changed since God entered. That makes it sound like He wasn't always there...He was always there since the day I was born, just waiting for me to notice He was there.
So, to explain why it took me 29 years to realize He was there, I have to explain my upbringing. I was raised with a very vague understanding that there was a God. I remember being told very little about Jesus, and the concept that there was some 3 part spiritual being was totally out of my grasp. I remember thinking of God and angels as what we see in cartoons or Monty Python movies...some big, bearded guy on a cloud with a lightning bolt, ready to smite at a moment's notice. I was always fascinated with Greek Mythology, so my view of God was a combination of what I was taught at the Kingdom Hall and my imagination of what Zeus looked like. To me, they were the same.
Then, as I got older, I used to believe in the whole "coexist" idea, that there was a God, but He had many different names, all the many religions were right. Picture a wagon wheel with the hub being God, the spokes being all the different religions. In my opinion at that time, all roads led to God if you believed. I really didn't know that I was on the path to Hell until I was about 29 yrs. old.
I don't remember how the conversation was started, but after dating for about 6 months, Dave told me that he was a Sunday school teacher. It wasn't that he was hiding it; it just never came up in conversation. I didn't even own a Bible, and that wasn't ever a subject that was talked about. It was December 2007, and I had just come home from the hospital after having surgery #1. I started asking questions about God and Dave was answering them. He moved my couch over so that I could look at the computer while he looked up bible verses and explained things to me. We both have talked about how we don't even remember most of what we talked about, how he knew exactly where to find the answers to all my question, but we talked for hours.
At that point in my life, my best friend was wiccan and was dating a guy within her beliefs and they were telling my about different rituals, tarot cards, worshiping gods and goddesses, and basically anything you could think of that would be against God. Without me even knowing what was happening, it was like a spiritual war was going on in my living room any given day. She was doing everything she could to turn me against Dave, focusing on little things and blowing them out of proportion so that I would see how bad he was for me and my kids and how I needed to kick him to the curb because he wasn't good enough for me. Whenever she would come over when Dave was visiting, you could literally feel the tension in the air, it was so bad at times that I felt like I couldn't breathe, or think straight, or even focus on anything. Now I understand what was happening-but at the time I was so confused.
Dave took me to a Christian store and bought me a bible and I went to church with him at this little country church with a handful of people. I instantly felt like I was part of something wonderful when I walked in the door. I still didn't understand a lot, but I knew that place was something special.
The next day I was back in the hospital ready to have unexpected surgery #2 and it had barely been a week since the last one. Before Dave left that night to go home, he said a prayer with me, which was something that I had never had done for me before. After he left, I was scared, surgery was to be first thing in the morning, and I felt this sense of urgency that something was missing. A restless feeling, it was an awful feeling-and it sounds crazy, but around the edges of that awful feeling was a feeling of something light and wonderful. I thought a lot about what we had talked about over the last week, read some of the verses we had highlighted in my new bible, and around 3 in the morning, I knew what I had to do. And once I accepted Jesus, I wasn't scared anymore, I could feel that light and wonderful feeling all around me, holding me secure and carrying me through.
I made it through the surgery with some trouble, but after a day or so, I felt like a new person. I was up walking, had no pain, and couldn’t wait to wake up every day and read something new in my bible. Then, another setback landed me back in the OR for surgery #3. It was hard to not get discouraged, but Dave helped me through. Every day after work, he would be up there to see me in my hospital room, ready to read to me when the medicines made my vision too blurry. This wonderful man, who was so scared of hospitals and sickness, was comfortable sitting in a chair by my bed with his sock feet resting on the bed, just reading me verses and answering any question that I had.
After a week being held hostage in a hospital room, I finally got to go home with some strict instructions of what not to do. It would have been easier to make a list of what I COULD do. My friendship with my wiccan friend was strained, the few visits that happened after the surgery were very uncomfortable and thankfully just stopped.
Fast forward about a year or so, and that little country church became my family’s home church. I had tried taking the kids to a church close to our house-and it was a wonderful church. Great kids programs, a lot of their friends went there, but I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I found myself dreading getting up on the mornings I couldn’t go to Bethel, but got them to church anyway ‘for them.’ So we all started going to Bethel. The kids were bored at first, but quickly found their way. They now help in the nursery during services, or children’s church, my son helps in the 2yr old and under class for our youth program. They had no trouble feeling like the belonged at Bethel, and can't wait to go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. Both of them were saved and baptized this year. And now I know that the children God gave me will always be with me. There will be a day when we won't be together here on Earth, but I know that we will be together eternally because of His love.
It’s interesting how timing works. We didn’t know that day in the summer of 07 that a motorcycle ride would change our lives so much. God’s plan is always a perfect plan, and always happens on time. Circumstances don’t always make sense, and may not seem to be a good thing at the time, but they happen for a reason.

quiet example

2011-10-27T14:20:00.008-04:00

He was born in a barn and raised on a tractor. It wasn't an easy life for the boy called PJohn, but when asked, he didn't complain. He grew up to be one of 10 kids, two of them died as children, but he always spoke of them with a softness that didn't match his gruff exterior. At the age of 3, he lost his father, and by the time he was 12 years old, he was a middle school dropout. Not because he was a victim of the system, or because he was a "bad boy", but simply because his brothers and sisters needed to be provided for. At an age where most children now are learning cheat codes for a video game, or thinking the world is unfair because they don't have the newest technology toy, PJohn was working so his family wouldn't go hungry.
Fast forward a few years, PJohn found himself in Germany as a member of the United States Army. At the ripe old age of 17 years old, he was "eager for duty." He was always looking out for everyone else first. During his time in the Army, he did and saw things that he never discussed with his children. He left here a kid who thought he was a man, and returned as a man who wished for his childhood back to erase the memories. Never one to enjoy a pity party, he soldiered on, too stubborn to let an unchangeable past affect his present and future. When asked if he was angry or bitter, he'd smile and say "Why? Why be bitter or angry over things you can't change? Live life in a way that when you go to bed at night, you aren't ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror." Hard work and humility, all wrapped up in a strong, quiet man. Calloused hands and no nonsense attitude, but always ready to crack a joke and quick to smile. Some would say he was hard to get to know, but truth be told, he never met a stranger. He worked hard to provide, but was always ready to give the shirt off his back to anyone who was in need. He wasn't perfect, but he did strive to be. He was always a man of few words, when he spoke-there was wisdom. But when he was quiet, the example he set spoke volumes.

Songs that I love

2011-01-07T17:09:00.004-05:00

I've been inspired by Jessi's blog Notes from a Scattered Mind: Five Things on Friday - Terrible Music Edition">to make a list of songs that I can't help but crank up the radio and screech along to until my voice is hoarse. I'm not sure if I can keep it at just 5 songs since music has always been a big part of who I am, but...here they are, in no certain order...

This song always stirs up emotions. I remember hearing it on the way to a funeral visitation for a friend taken way too early. Summer of 1994, 16 yrs old and thought we were invincible and had our whole lives ahead of us. Nick, you are always loved and never forgotten.

Song # 2

One of my all time favorite movies introduced me to this song. Not sure if it was my teenage love of Christian Slater or the compelling plot line of Pump Up the Volume, but I have always wanted to be a radio DJ. :)

Song #3

I can relate to so many aspects of this song....and...

Song #4

Song #5

No words to describe this choice. Has to be an all time favorite for me!

Song #6 (knew I couldn't just limit it to five songs!)

a list of my songs isn't complete unless Bob is on it :)

Song #7

must have this on the ipod at all times

Song #8

this version of the song was a life saver during many rough times

Song # 9

Here are some others that I just have to mention :)

This is the last one I'll put on here, even though I could go on and on with this. This song is very hard to describe. There have been many rough patches in my life, and this song has helped pull me out. Those words seem too flat to really describe what this song means to me-but it's the best I can do.

anger

2010-03-24T21:46:00.002-04:00

today i learned about anger. i have always lived life as a somewhat invisible person. i don't like to be the center of attention. true story, i was in a room and my mom walked through and asked where i was...i was on the couch looking at her. my sister demanded attention. i don't think she did on purpose...it's just how she was. my mom looked at me a few months ago and said "after having your sister, i just didn't have the energy for you" it wasn't an apology, it wasn't said in a sorrowful tone...it was just the facts. was i hurt? yes. was i sad? yes. was i angry? i thought i was...until today. i have always considered myself to be an angry person. i sat down with my preacher today, upset and confused, because i know that i should be slow to anger, yet i live an angry life. he laughed at me..lol. he said that i am very controlled if i'm so angry. so we talked a little about a situation at work that recently happened. (long story short-i had a great idea, someone was trying to take credit for the idea. managers are involved on my behalf because i don't care if my name is on it, but they do.) so he told me that we needed to look at the definition of anger. i learned that i'm not an angry person..it's ok to stand up for yourself. sometimes it's important to MAKE yourself seen instead of just being content to hide behind others. so here's hoping that i can learn to stand up for myself. not worry about what other people might think of me if i look at them and say "No" i'm going to learn to the take the compliments and move on instead of trying to "aw shucks, it's no big deal" my way through life. i have been placed in a wonderful job with great opportunities, and i'm there for a reason-if i keep doing things to change protocols with the patient's best interest in mind, then it's all good. i learned today that i AM slow to anger, i cautiously move forward in a reasonable manner...that doesn't equal angry. it's not such a fine line after all...who knew?

personality quiz

2009-12-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

Results of Your Type A Personality Test

Personality Type
Your score = 32

What does your score mean?

You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the "smell the roses" kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don't let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life.

here's the link if you want to try it...
http://discoveryhealth.queendom.com/type_a_personality_access.html

why?

2009-11-21T15:20:00.002-05:00

I can understand a lot of things in life...i deal with death at work almost every day. what i can't understand is what could make a 12yr old decide to take their own life. one of todd's friends died yesterday. the rumor is that he was found in his room after he hung himself. what could possibly make a 12 yr old child decide that was the only answer?

greetings and salutations

2009-11-18T21:13:00.004-05:00

hey there peeps! all three of you..lol. life is going well, kids are doing great. todd made honor roll for the first time since 3rd grade, erin of course continues to do well with school and has designed a christmas card. i bought a box because it was a great card and also because she's excited to be "published" most of you know that erin loves to draw, so this is a big deal for her. normally i would never pay 15 dollars for a box of 10 cards..but it's not everyday that your little girl gets published. i'll try to add the picture on here..but i'm not sure how i'll do.

facebook peeps...sorry if i have disappeared from your list..i didn't delete you, somehow my friends list went crazy and deleted almost everyone. send me an invite and i'll re-add you.

sports are finished for now, but will start up again around feb or march. they seem to be sticking with soccer and baseball, so that makes me happy. don't have to buy a bunch of new stuff :)

work is going well, i'm training a new graduate right now. she's almost finished with day shift and then she'll move to night shift with a different nurse. the chair thing is working out well. getting alot of compliments and learning the ropes on rubbing elbows with higher ups. we had a fancy lunch thing last friday (UK's 20th annual research papers day) met a bunch of people that already knew who i was-so that was different. i'm pretty sure i used the wrong fork though. oh well, you can take the country girl to the city, but you can't take the country out of the girl :)

hope all is well with everyone and have a safe and happy turkey day!

love
j

ps..the caption in the picture says "Remember the Christ in Christmas"

oops

2009-08-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

forgot to add this to the last post so you could see my hair

j :)

new pictures

2009-08-25T20:23:00.002-04:00

hey guys...checkout facebook for some new pictures. Sara got married over the weekend and erin was the flower girl. todd was the usher again. also...i got a haircut..and yes, i got them all cut..lol. it's short. i'm trying to get used to it and mandi has been giving me hair tips. but i'm not a fan. the picture isn't the best, erin took it on todd's phone, but you can get the general idea that i have been sheared. hope this finds everyone doing well!

love ya
j

promotions, education, and sports, oh my!

2009-08-12T00:08:00.002-04:00

Promotions
Started as Chair for the Markey Cancer Center Evidence Based Practice Council today. (wow, we have a long title..lol) It wasn't too bad. I'm too polite to be in charge of anything. I have a hard time keeping people directed and on task. In other words, I need to get better at telling people to shut up and get back to business. :) All in all, I liked it. I have to figure out what to do with all the paperwork involved, I can't leave it at work anywhere, and I hate to bring work home...I'm sure I'll figure something out.

Education
The kids started school yesterday. I'm now the mom to a 7th grader and 4th grader. WOW! I feel old. Todd is doing so much better this year. He's excited because the majority of his teachers have something to do with the academic team. He didn't make it last year cause he chokes when it comes to tests, but he's ready for it this year. He's still playing french horn, and I'm pretty sure he's the only one in his grade. He promised to not give me trouble this year and for the first time is excited about going to school. Erin is her usual bubbly self and ready for whatever the world throws at her. That girl is my hero! She can take anything and just roll with it. I wish I could be more like that. She informed me during the Teen Choice awards last night that she is able to try out for chorus and drama since she is in 4th grade and would like to do that. So in addition to art club and girl scouts, she's getting into music and drama, yay!

Sports
I love baseball..baseball is my life! It seems like most of my life is spent at a field of some kind. It used to just be baseball with Todd, then Erin started playing softball a couple years back. She hung up her glove in exchange for a soccer ball last year and loves it. So in the next month, I will have Todd playing in Senior League Fall baseball, and Erin will be playing fall soccer. Somehow between all their activities, I have to find time to work and maybe clean a house. OH MY!!!

hope everyone is doing well!!!

love ya
j

promotion..Madam Chairwoman, I presume??

2009-07-19T20:01:00.003-04:00

I am on a council at work..it's incredibly boring to describe, but we basically get together once a month and review policies that need to be updated and try to find ways to make the nursing process more accessible to the staff. Always shooting for bigger and better...in theory. I still see myself as a child with a lot of things. I've only been in the working world for 7 years (6 of them at Markey). That's a drop in the bucket compared to some people I know. Recently one of the members took a position higher up on the food chain. She was the Chair for the group. My manager has volunteered me to replace her as chair! Part of me is excited about that. I kind of miss the whole school thing, but I'm not ready to go back-so this gives me reason to research. But there is something about doing things because I want to do them, not because I have to do them that is making me drag my feet about saying yes to the position. It means having to do some work at home. No pay raise. Once a month I run a meeting. ME! The person who doesn't like attention or tell people what to do has to keep people on track. If you read the post about my last 15 years, you know that I have been really busy and in my opinion haven't been able to put my family first for a long time. Now that things are calming down, I am able to have fun with my kids. I have more free time to play and be goofy. It's kind of nice to say yes for once when the kids want to go throw a baseball, or kick a soccer ball, or go roller skating. Why would I want to do something to take up my free time? I'm caught in a competition in a way with my manager and the manager for the other floor. My boss feels like one of us should chair since the other floor has represented for the last 10 years or so. And with my only 6 years of experience, i am somehow the more experienced of the two of us from my floor. (Hope I haven't lost anyone yet, this is mindless rambling..lol) Anyway, the current stand in for chair has said that she will take me under her wing and we will work together for a while until i decide if i want to do it or not...what do you guys think?

the last 15 years...in reverse :)

2009-07-03T23:38:00.000-04:00

I had to go backwards with this cause I couldn't remember all the details. Start at the bottom and read up so that it all makes sense

(Becky you might want to skip some of this if you read it...sorry)

2009-so far so good! been enjoying the kids and life. Todd is 12 and Erin is 9. Still working at Markey Cancer Center as a nurse-been there for 6 years now. Life still has it's ups and downs, but I can handle it all because I know that all things are possible with God. I used to have a lot of anger towards Roy for a lot of things-but I don't anymore. I forgive too much, if that is possible. My job can be very difficult..I deal with a lot of death and depressed patients/families/co-workers.

2008-pretty good year. It was a year of healing. I had surgery towards the end of 2007 so I was physically healing. Learning how to love again-emotionally healing. Still adjusting to not being able to just get a hug from my dad to make my day better. But I have pictures and memories. And his blanket is almost as good as a hug. Todd starts Middle School this year! 6th grade. wow. Erin has surgery #8 for ear tubes....still waiting on her to grow a little. Little Bit is still trying to reach the 50 pound/50 inch tall mark.

2007-Not a good year. Split up from hubby (he won't hold a job and I found some questionable phone numbers and other things to indicate he wasn't faithful) and moved out and lost my dad and that was all before the middle of January. Picking up the pieces and moving on, cause that's what i do :) In July I started dating a wonderful man and learning what it's like to be like most other people-just a single mom that works. It was hard to not have to go check on Daddy every day, but a strange relief too. Had to have my galbladder out in March and in December I had to have a total hysterectomy. I also rededicated my life to God. What a year!

2006-Stressful year, but most of the stress was going away. Nursing Graduation/College Graduation happened in May. New marriage happened in March. It was a quick whirlwind kind of thing. Lots of adjustments with living life and not having homework anymore. :) John is the new hubby and very helpful with my dad. Daddy has trouble getting around and I have to do most of his care. My mom is coming around and helping out alot more. The kids are a little afraid to be around him I think. He would hate that, if he still knew who they were. He thinks Erin is me most of the time. That's hard. But he knows who I am too. Wonder what it's like in his mind.

2005-still trying to get through. lots of doctor appts. Erin is always going to either family doc or ear doc. She's 5 and has had 5 surgeries. 5 sets of ear tubes. The doctor keeps saying she will outgrow this problem. I hope so. Daddy has a lot of appts too. I had to take his keys away. That was NOT fun. My mom is in denial with most of what's happening with him. Todd is 8yrs old and having problems with school and anger issues with the divorce and problems with Grandpa. Roy has remarried and it's hard on the kids. Still playing baseball and I'm trying to keep things stable for them both on my end. Met a really great guy and getting swept off my feet :)

2004-tough times are happening. Daddy's health is going downhill, grades are dropping. It's hard to work, go to class and clinicals and get the kids where they need to be. Had to quit the job at Cracker Barrel. Only working at UK now. Didn't pass one of my classes by 1 point. I have to sit out a semester of school. This means instead of graduation in 2005, I will be done in 2006.

2003-School going great, making all A's. Working at Cracker Barrel and Dover Manor Nursing home until July-then started working at UK Markey Cancer Center as a nursing care tech. Enrolled in the nursing program on a rolling admission (that's a good thing) Todd is 6 and Erin is 4. So far Erin has been through 3 surgeries- 3 sets of ear tubes and with the last surgery she had her tonsils and adenoids removed. My baby no longer sounds like Darth Vader. Kids are adjusting to life with divorced parents. Trying to keep things as normal as possible.

2002-Started going back to school, decided nursing is the way to go. Todd starts playing Tball. Erin learns the joys of the ballpark. Marriage fell apart (no big surprise there) Roy leaves the day after Father's day. I pick up the pieces and move forward as a single working mom/college student. Working at Cracker Barrel and Dover Manor Nursing Home.

2001-Living life, thinking about the future and if I should go back to school. Todd is in preschool and 4yrs old. Erin turns 2 and enjoys going to Todd's school to see the kids. (She's always been a chatterbox..lol)

2000-Moved back to KY in May. Todd and Erin got to see what it was like to live in a house with a yard full of grass and trees! Very happy to be back home and near my dad again. Todd is 3 years old and Erin celebrated her first birthday in KY.

1999-Came to KY for a visit, found out I was pregnant again (very happy) Marriage went through some rough times-but we were soldiering on. Todd turned 2 years old. Erin was born in October.

1998-Living life on an Air Force base and enjoying life for the most part. Marriage wasn't exactly what I thought it was supposed to be, but I was in love and mostly happy.

1997-Moved to AZ in January, Todd was born in March.

1996-Graduated high school, got married.

ok, i did it

2009-06-21T20:26:00.000-04:00

I've joined the blogging world...now what?? What am I supposed to write about? In this day of Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace and all the other socializing sites out there, seems like letting everyone know the boring everyday events is the new "thing" So, help me out guys..tell me what you want me to talk about, and I'll give it a shot.